


Cleaving

by SkuldTheNorn



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Confusion, First Kiss, How Do I Tag, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post 1x06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22229938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkuldTheNorn/pseuds/SkuldTheNorn
Summary: “I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to.” His voice is gentle, but it also sounds kind of unsteady. Alec doesn't know what that means. “If you want to, we can just... this doesn't have to be...”And oh, Magnus really does care. He does want this. The swagger that had colored their earliest interactions is completely gone now and left is just Magnus. Magnus who wants Alec.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 18
Kudos: 208





	Cleaving

**Author's Note:**

> cleave (verb): to adhere closely or to tear apart
> 
> I'm trying to properly get back into writing after quite a long break. So this is probably a bit rusty. I would greatly appreciate feedback.

This is... unprecedented. Alec doesn't know what to do with himself. Here he is, sitting on Magnus's couch, and it feels like he is vibrating apart. He's never felt so high-strung in his life. Part of him wants to just get up and leave, to pace, to do _something_.

“ _Stay for just one more drink and then decide,”_ Magnus had said. _“You've unlocked something in me.”_

 _By the angel._ How do people react to things like this? Alec has no idea. He's never been in a situation like this, has never had someone be interested in him to this degree. Or at all, really. And he has a feeling that even if it was a woman saying these things, he wouldn't know what to do about this.

Magnus Bane is very much not a woman. Alec has noticed. A _lot_. So much it's painful. Because he knows he shouldn't, but he just can't help himself. And now here Magnus is, saying these things, making it that much harder. Alec is _aching._

“Alexander? Are you still listening to me?”

With a sheepish headshake, Alec clears his thoughts. “I'm sorry, no. I'm a bit distracted right now.”

He is mad at himself that this is happening. From where he's sitting, there are really only two reasons for him to be distracted in this situation. Either he's being rude, or he's thinking about what Magnus said before – and he doesn't know which interpretation would be worse.

But when he chances a look at Magnus, the warlock is simply smiling at him. “I know this day has been a lot. And here I am, distracting you from your duties when I've already exhausted you. It's really a bit selfish.” He gives a little shake of his head. “I'm sorry. You can leave, of course.”

The “No!” leaves Alec's lips before he can even properly think about it.

Magnus shifts where he is sitting, clearly taken aback a bit. Oh dear Angel, what could he possibly be thinking now? This isn't right. Alec can't... no. His face is starting to burn.

“I mean...” he starts backpedalling. “You've already made me my drink. I can't just...”

“Oh, but you could. I wouldn't keep you here against your will.” The expression on the warlock's face was is hard to read, and if possible, Alec's anxiety ramps up another notch. It's... is he flirting right now? Is he trying to figure something out about Alec? This... this could be bad.

“You're not. This... I should always have time for one drink with the High Warlock of Brooklyn. What my mother wants me for has to be done tomorrow anyways. As long as I don't stay too late...” he trails off, not knowing where to go with this. Not even really knowing what he's trying to say in the first place. All he knows is that Magnus now has a carefully amused grin on his face, and it makes him wary.

“Oh, so this is official business then?” the warlock asks.

Alec flounders. “Well, I mean-”

But Magnus is already raising his hand to stop him. “It's alright. I shouldn't tease you like this, it isn't fair.”

That... what? How was that unfair? How was it teasing?

Apparently, his confusion shows on his face, because Magnus closes his eyes, as if steeling himself and explaining: “I tend to come on too strong. I don't mean to overwhelm you.”

… oh. That... doesn't do anything to alleviate the tension in Alec's body. If anything, it makes it worse. So he _is_ flirting. Now that he knows for sure, Alec doesn't know what to do with it. Clearly, Magnus thinks this is... generally okay? But then again, he's a warlock. And even among warlocks, he has a reputation. This... he needs to tell him that this is not going to happen. He has to.

But looking at Magnus, no words will come out of his mouth. He can just stare as the other man smiles to himself and swirls his drink. He looks... beautiful. Serene, almost, if not a bit sad. And that part Alec doesn't know how to deal with.

“ _You've unlocked something in me,”_ Magnus had said – and his face had been so open when he did it. Vulnerable. Alec has been warned his whole life that all warlocks do is self-serving, that they lie and cheat and seduce. But he doesn't feel like Magnus is lying. And if this was just about seduction, why would he leave himself open to be hurt like that? Because surely he knows how badly Alec could have taken this, being a Shadowhunter.

Knowing that he could somehow hurt Magnus only makes this more difficult. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. But he will have to say no. So he probably should do it quickly. The quicker the better, like quickly applying an iratze after an injury.

“You know I can't, right?” His voice is hoarse when he says it, and he has to close his eyes once he's gotten it out.

“You don't have to do anything. I don't have any expectations. You're just here for a drink.” Magnus's voice is soft and calm. “But you also don't have to be afraid. I won't hurt you.”

Alec has to laugh at that. “That's not what I'm afraid of.”

“Oh?”

He raises his head again and even though a second ago, he hadn't, now he knows exactly how to voice his fears. “I'm afraid I'll do something and hurt myself.”

It feels good to say, but it also seems to confuse Magnus. “How do you mean?”

The thought makes him clench his teeth. “I can't. It's not allowed.”

Understanding dawns on the warlock's face as he says it. “Oh Alexander...”

And suddenly, Alec can't take it anymore. He has to get up and move. But he doesn't actually go anywhere, he doesn't leave. He just walks over to the window to take a look on the city below them. The distance this puts between him and Magnus calms him down, he decides, as he takes a little sip from his drink. It makes him wrinkle his nose – this one doesn't really taste any better than the first one had. At this rate, it'll take hours for him to finish it.

“I can't,” he repeats.

Behind him, he hears the soft clank of Magnus putting down his tumbler on the glass surface of the table, the shift of fabric that tells him the warlock is getting up as well.

“I know the feeling. And please know that I would never want you to do anything you don't feel safe doing. But the restrictions of the Clave don't apply here.”

Alec sighs. “ _The law is hard, but it is the law._ Doesn't matter where I am.”

He can hear Magnus breathing just behind him, the hair on the back of his neck standing up in the awareness of how close he is. It's electrifying. It's terrifying.

“But is it actually the law or is it just a convention?” Magnus asks.

Distantly, Alec is aware that he usually would get angry at a question like that. That usually, he would defend the Clave and its rules and regulations and whatever came with it. He is a good soldier. He does what is right. But right now, all he can feel was the humming caused by how close Magnus is standing.

“Please,” he says. It almost sounds like a plea, the words choked out. He doesn't even know what he is asking for. Does he want Magnus to step away or get closer? _Away_ , he tells himself. He wants Magnus to step away. He has to.

The hand Magnus placed on his upper arm makes him flinch and then spin around so quickly that he manages to spill his drink both over himself and Magnus. The warlock's eyes widen and he raises his hands as if in defense.

“I'm sorry, Alexander. I didn't mean to startle you.”

All Alec can do is breathe and stare. Magnus is close. Very close. Too close? He can't really think right now, it's all too much. He's overwhelmed, confused. He doesn't... he doesn't really know anything anymore.

“I should go.”

“You can if you want to.”

Magnus's eyes are still wide, so it can't have just been the surprise. But why... Alec notices that they're standing so close together that Magnus has to look up at him. And that... it almost makes him shudder.

“I really should.”

“I'm not keeping you,” the warlock says.

And Alec knows. He  _knows._ He's already stayed way too long. It must be clear to Magnus by now that he isn't as disinterested as he wants him to think. He  _needs_ to leave. To go home before something happens.

Instead, he stares at Magnus's mouth. And then at the golden shimmer around his eyes. And then at his mouth again. It's a beautiful, lush pink, and it makes him think forbidden things. Like how good it would feel if he kissed him. But that's dangerous, so he stops looking at Magnus's mouth and instead meets his eyes. Which are... smiling, maybe? He's not sure. Magnus is quite enigmatic.

He sways forward just a bit before he catches himself and moves back. It's a tiny movement and for a split second Alec hopes he will be spared the humiliation, but Magnus's eyes widen.  _He's noticed._ It makes Alec want to disappear.

But Magnus doesn't comment. Instead, he looks at him for a bit and then takes a step back, gestures to the couch. “Do you maybe want to sit down again?”

Alec is already past him before he's got the sentence finished. But even sitting doesn't make the unsteadiness in his legs go away. Neither does it vanish that  _feeling_ in the pit of his stomach. It's a weird feeling, almost like when he thinks about Jace too much, when he gets hard. Almost. Because this isn't Jace. He doesn't really feel bad about this. There's no guilt. He  _wants_ . He's just not allowed.

“Can I ask you a question, Alexander?” Magnus asks when he's sat down and is smoothing out his pants. “It might be a bit indiscreet. It's perfectly alright if you don't want to answer it.”

Alec just nods, speechless. His thoughts are still preoccupied.

“Why are you this conflicted? Is it because I'm a man or because I'm... well, me?”

That... Alec hadn't expected that. He's also not really sure what to do with the fact that Magnus is looking at him like he's staring right into his soul. But he can't look away, even though it makes him breathless.

“What?” he asks when he realizes that he won't be able to just quickly parse out what Magnus means.

Magnus smiles and it drags Alec's attention back to his mouth again. “I mean this emotional situation you're in, whatever it is exactly. Are you in it because I'm a man and you're not okay with that? Or is it because I personally am somehow... distasteful to you?”

The shock bolts through him like lightning. “You're not distasteful!” How can he think that? How can Magnus Bane look at him right now and think that somehow Alec thinks he's gross?

He's still staring at him and wondering how this came about when Magnus's raised eyebrow tells him that it would probably helpful to explain himself.

“You're a man. I... it's not allowed,” he says, carefully. “But if you were someone else, this would probably be easier.”

It almost makes him laugh at himself. Here he is, Alexander Lightwood, firstborn of this generation of one of the most esteemed Shadowhunter families there is, rendered pathetically speechless by another person. But then again, this is Magnus Bane. And Magnus Bane is just... stupendous.

The other man smiles at his answer, but somehow he looks a little helpless as well. He looks almost small where he's sitting on the couch opposite Alec. And he doesn't say anything. He's just silent and he  _looks_ . He looks at Alec in a way that makes him burn hot and cold. Like he also  _wants_ . Alec doesn't know what to do with that.

“Cat got your tongue?” he jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

Magnus blinks and clears his throat. “Possibly.” His smile is sheepish.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No, not at all!” the warlock hurries to say. “I just didn't really expect you to answer. You've been pretty tongue-tied so far.”

Oh. Alec blushes. Maybe he shouldn't have answered. But it felt good, to have said it. To be just a little bit honest about what he was feeling. It somehow made him feel lighter.

“Can I be honest?” Magnus asks.

Alec nods.

“I kind of like that answer.”

What.

“It sounds like you are interested in me in some aspects. If you wanted to, we could work with that.” He sounds careful, like he's trying very hard to choose the right words and not chase Alec off. It's endearing and it makes Alec feel thankful.

But there's a problem there. And as much as he feels stupid to repeat himself, he points out: “But you're a man. It's not allowed.”

A sly smile appears on Magnus's mouth at that. “And who says anyone has to know?”

Oh.

_Oh._

That thought had never even occurred to Alec.

Could he just... Could he have this and just not tell anyone? Or maybe just tell Izzy and keep it secret beyond that? Could he  _kiss Magnus?_ It's an exhilarating thought. It's also completely overwhelming. He isn't prepared for this. He's never kissed anyone, how is he supposed to - 

He only realizes that his eyes have been open comically wide for an embarrassingly long time when he has to blink because they're now dry and it hurts. He also realizes that Magnus is still looking at him.

“I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to.” His voice is gentle, but it also sounds kind of unsteady. Alec doesn't know what that means. “If you want to, we can just... this doesn't have to be...”

And  _oh,_ Magnus really does care. He does  _want_ this. The swagger that had colored their earliest interactions is completely gone now and left is just Magnus. Magnus who  _wants_ Alec.

All of a sudden, Alec needs to move again. But he can't, not with Magnus sitting right in front of him and looking at him  _like that_ because Angel knows, once he gets moving, what he will do. He doesn't feel in control of himself. He doesn't feel in control of anything.

“I would be very glad if you didn't reject this out of the gate,” he hears Magnus say, but it doesn't really register. He is _beautiful_ and it's really distracting from anything he says. Still, somehow, he manages to nod.

“Does that mean you'll think about it?” The glimmer of hope in Magnus's eyes is exquisite. Alec wants to touch him. Instead, he nods again, wide-eyed.

His smile is as bright as the sun. “Thank you. And you should think about this. I understand that it's a lot.”

Alec just nods again and waits for the other man to continue, but it seems that for now he seems content to just look at him and smiling. Alec tries to retain eye contact just like he's learned over the years, but he finds that he can't. It's just too much. He just feels  _a lot_ . And looking at Magnus makes him feel more, so that's not really a thing he thinks he should do.

His wandering eyes fall on the face of an antique clock. 11 pm. It's already 11pm and he isn't home yet, without any mission to explain it. Everyone knows where he is. Isabelle is going to be insufferable.

When Magnus's eyes follow his line of sight, he chuckles. “Right. You should probably get home.”

“Yeah,” Alec agrees.

For a moment, neither of them moves, and then both of them get up at once – Alec with such force that he stumbles into Magnus and has to be steadied by him. There are hands on his arms and eyes on his and that feeling in the pit of his stomach roars. He clenches his eyes shut.

Magnus takes that as a cue to step away, to take a small detour through the room before he comes to a halt behind the sofa where he gathers up Alec's jacket which... yeah. Alec wouldn't have remembered that he was wearing a jacket when he arrived here. There simply isn't enough space in his head to remember things that unimportant. Not when Magnus is moving behind him to help him into his jacket.

The gesture somehow makes the hair on Alec's neck stand on end. It reminds him very much of himself doing this for Isabelle, and the feeling of warmth and caring that usually goes with it. He is being _taken care of_ , and it's new. Alec isn't sure what to think about it. He doesn't _need_ anyone to take care of him. But it does feel kind of nice.

Magnus's hands are smoothing down the jacket on his shoulders and then just resting there for a bit. His breath tickles Alec's neck, makes him shiver. It felt like the hands on his shoulders were just sinking in to him, heavy and hot. Branding him.

“Well,” the warlock says, moving to stand in front of him again and deftly pats him on the chest. “There you are. All ready to go home.”

But Alec doesn't feel ready. He just feels Magnus's hands on his chest where he still hasn't moved them. And he can't even look down to see them, no matter how much he wants to.

“Magnus,” he hears himself say, hoarse and breathless.

“Alexander.” A little smile and a nod accompany his name. Only a few days ago, he probably would've thought Magnus was mocking him, but now it feels more like a little salute. An acknowledgement.

“I should leave.”

“Yes.” Magnus's eyes are flitting over his face, wide and darker than usual. His voice is like a siren call to Alec.

“Magnus,” he says again, and something in the back of his throat is burning. There is a strange prickling sensation all over his body, but his throat is the worst. It almost hurts.

“Alexander.” Magnus lifts one of his hands to touch Alec's cheek, warm and soft. It makes Alec squeeze his eyes shut. His breath goes way too fast and he _aches_ and he _knows_ he should be ashamed of how obviously he is affected. But he just can't bring himself to care.

“Alexander, may I kiss you?”

Somehow, that question still comes as a surprise to him. That Magnus would think to do this, _want_ to do this...

When he opens his eyes, there are only inches between them. He can feel the warlock's breath fanning over his face like a warm caress. And when he goes to answer, wants to say something... he can't. He doesn't know words anymore, just _feeling._

So he forgets himself. He just surges forward against Magnus, mind hazy and lips hungry.

It's... exhilarating. Like nothing he's ever imagined. With astounding clarity, Alec can feel the soft warmth of Magnus's lips beneath his own. It's simple, he realizes, just a press of mouth to mouth. If there wasn't so much urgent pressure behind it, it would be chaste.

The solidity of the other man's body is something he had never dared imagine. It grounds Alec in reality, makes him aware that _this is very much happening, right here and right now,_ and it leaves him powerless to do anything. It's like he's being pulled in by gravity.

Which means that when he wrenches himself free the moment he realizes he doesn't know what he's doing, he gets pulled right back in. Magnus's hand is soft on his face, but insistent, angling his head to better manage their height difference. His lips are gentler than Alec's were a second ago, but just as determined, pressing and gliding and gripping.

Alec is hot all over. Driven by instinct, he crowds closer to the warlock, hands falling to his hips to keep himself steady.

Magnus groans into his mouth.

Magnus. Groans. Into. His. Mouth.

It makes Alec whimper, open his mouth just enough for Magnus to slip his tongue into it, and then... Then, it's too much. He's clinging to Magnus desperately, trying to hold on, trying to _keep up._ Just trying to process it all, but his brain has gone into overload.

The noise their lips make when the separate is filthy.

“Alexander, are you okay?” Magnus asks. “You're shaking.”

His voice sounds wrecked, and Alec did that. Alec kissed him and affected him and nothing went wrong and they didn't get caught. It feels _so good._ And that terrifies him. Because how is he supposed to go on now? Like nothing ever happened? He knows he won't be able to forget this.

“Hey.” Magnus's second hand reaches for Alec's other cheek and brings his attention back to reality. “What's going on in that head of yours? You look like you're thinking awfully hard.”

Alec realizes he's frowning and immediately tries to smooth out his expression, but finds he can't. It's just all _too much._ He doesn't know how to handle this. He doesn't know what to do.

Which is what he tells Magnus, who promptly looks sad.

“It's okay. You don't need to know what to do. You can take your time, think about this. Or you can do what feels right in the moment. I'm not... I don't have any expectations. I'm just happy to be here with you.”

That doesn't actually make it better.

“I don't want to hurt you.”

“I know you don't. You would never want that. And that's all I ask.”

It shouldn't be all he's asking. It isn't fair, and Alec says as much.

Magnus smiles. “You are a very kind man, Alexander. But you need to trust that I can take care of myself. I know there are risks. I'm willing to take them.”

Alec doesn't know what to say to that. He feels numb somehow, like he's packed in cotton wool. All he knows is that Magnus is too far away and that he wants to change that.

The next moment, they're hugging. _I probably did that,_ Alec thinks to himself. He's aware that it might appear needy. But he doesn't care. He just steps even closer and buries his neck in Magnus's neck and breathes him in.

“It's all going to be okay,” Magnus says.

Alec doesn't try to contradict him.


End file.
